#REALTALK: Double D’s… An Inner (but important) Rambling

**This is pretty long, but worth it.. If you don’t make it to the end for whatever reason, just know that down there, I ask you to share this post (I don’t care if you share the whole blog, just this one post) because it was hard for me to write, and I want to know that someone, somewhere is benefitting from it. **

I have been meaning to do a post about depression and diabetes for quite some time now, but I just haven’t really had the time. Since I can’t seem to sleep, it seems like I’ve found some.

A really big part of diabetes is the blood sugar (checking, monitoring and the always prevalent “YOU CAN’T EAT THAT”), but there’s another part that people who don’t live with the D seem to pass by: depression.

Think about it, diabetes is a disease of the endocrine system. The endocrine system controls a whole host of hormones and functions. As a matter of fact, if my sugar is too high or too low, I’m completely horrid. Like AWFUL. Cranky, whiney, tantrum-y, and just a plain ol’ bitch (yeah, I admit it.).

There are some times when I’m on a high trend and I just get straight up drepressed. Then, of course, I eat my feelings (and let’s be honest, no one gets sad and eats kale amiright?!) and my numbers get higher (therefore getting deeper into depression) and there you have it! A vicious cycle brought on by too much candy (the depression, not the ‘beetus) that I then have to suffer and break myself.

Coming completely clean, I admit that I tried taking an anti-depressant to try to calm the depression down (this was a few months back) so that I had a fighting chance at fixing the whole thing. You know what? It didn’t work. I know that different things work for different people and all, but I’m pretty convinced that because this was from my sugar, medicine wasn’t going to fix it.

Eventually I broke that whole cycle and started getting things back to normal… But every once in a while, depression starts knocking at the door and I have to shove it off all over again. Watching, I have noticed that this seems to happen whenever I deicde that my numbers aren’t important to check anymore and eat whatever I want. (see what I’m getting at?)

There are a lot of other things that go on inside the mind of someone with the D, and I mean, I can only speak from a young person’s point of view here. I know that, at least for me, the hard time losing weight has always been one of them. Diabetes makes it a little harder to lose weight, and a lot of the oral meds for diabetes make it even harder on top of that. Throw in a slow thyroid (a common problem for diabetics) and have a lot stacked against you. I’m not making excuses here, guys, anything is possible!

Continuing on with my unabashed honesty (I’m chalking this up to the fact that I am exhausted) I have always struggled with weight. The demon in my closet steps on the scale A LOT. It sometimes will remind me how much weight I’ve gained since starting this medicine, randomly in the middle of the day. It comes into the dressing room with me at Old Navy and we try on clothes together (it judges). I hear it’s great friends with my on-again-off again-pal, Depression.

Lastly, don’t forget that people with diabetes get to deal with having some life-long, pain in the ass disease for the rest of their lives! Not to be dramatic or anything… but it’s kinda true. Although you should never let your disease get the best of you, some days it wakes up a little earlier than you and has an extra cup of coffee or something, and just gets a leg up on your spirit for the day, that’s totally normal. 

Is this me coming out as a basket case all over the internet? Heck no. This is me trying to give some people some insight into what goes on inside other people’s minds. Not everyone is willing to share. I’m not even sure I’M willing to share!

Think of this as a Cliff Notes for Diabetics, an, Everything you may not have read about on WebMD about the disease kinda thing.

Share this. Share it with everyone you know. Share it with people who have diabetic friends and family members, people married to diabetics, shit, share this with diabetics themselves and hope it encourages them to share what their demons do and say.

I’m sharing all of this uncharacteristally personal dribble with you guys in the hope that I can help you. Even if I help you help someone else. It’s better than being miserable for nothing.

This isn’t a cry for help, it’s a cry to help.


Why We ALL Need Jelly Beans In Life (Even Diabetics)

Okay, so, since now I get up at 7am (thanks, Harper!), I have been trolling WordPress like crazy, even though I don’t post that often. This morning I get an email telling me someone liked a blog post of mine and, as usual, since I didn’t know them, checked their blog out. Let me tell you, totally inspiring. I feel like such a shlep bitching and complaining about the little things when there are people out there who would consider my life a break from their own. Moving on….

One of Linda’s posts was titled “Life Is A Tiny Bag of Jelly Bellies” and I just had to know what was up. Forest Gump says it’s like a box of chocolates, and hell, as a diabetic, I’d take either if I could. (If anyone wants to get me some sugar free jelly bellies, I’d love you forever.)

In case you don’t have time to read the post (which I HIGHLY recommend, it’s not that long), I’ll post an excerpt explaining what the hell we’re talking about:

Having been on a diet for forever, I was starved for something sweet. I admit that I used to eat a lot of “comfort food”, so finding a way I could still do this and not gain weight has been a challenge.  Fortunately,  I came up with secret of packing little bags of Jelly Bellies, these great little jelly beans that really taste like what they say they taste like. My favorites are licorice, cotton candy, and, (of course for anyone who KNOWS me,) buttered popcorn.  I purchase only my favorite flavors, and package about 20 of them into little bags. Then, throughout the day when I need a little boost, I eat a few, and I am happy.

It has dawned on me that my life is full of little jelly belly moments, not in relation to the real jelly bean, but as a reaction to little events that can happen that also give me a boost and make me happy:”

Not being able to eat Jelly Bellies as much as I’d like, these “jelly belly moments” sound awesome. I almost want to eat them (then again I haven’t eaten breakfast yet). But it got me thinking, Jelly Belly moments are important, but the flavor  of the bean is more important. I love the buttered popcorn and the pear beans (not together – ew) but I freaking loathe licorice… that one is awful and, unless my husband wants to eat it, garbage bound. Then I thought about my metaphoric jelly belly box: is it full of buttered popcorn and pear, or licorice, or a nice combination of the two? What about your jelly bean box? I feel like I may have put a lot more licorice beans in there than I’d like, and I feel like maybe I should focus less on the licorice beans and more on the pear ones. (I hope you’re still following me here, it IS kind of early in the morning) I’m encouraging you to do the same. Don’t give your husband the gross jelly bean moments, just throw them out, that’s not cool.

Here are a few Jelly Belly moments for me:

  • When Haley follows an “I love you, Mommy” with “you’re….. (insert which ever obscure compliment she chooses for the day here)”
  • Sleeping in
  • Going to the gym and totally rocking it
  • Harper’s laugh
  • Random hugs and kisses from my girls
  • When I get up and there is nothing to clean
  • The 5 seconds right after to finish ALL of the laundry and there is not a single dirty thing in the house
  • Surprise visitors when my house looks immaculate
  • When my A1c tests come back awesome
  • Fasting sugars under 130
  • Winning an argument (yeah, I’m THAT competitive)
  • Spring weather during winter
  • Perfect hair days
  • Putting Haley in quiet time while Harper naps and watching SVU on Roku
  • Having time to read – anything
  • Crocheting, even if for a few minutes
  • Going out to dinner with my husband and not my kids (this is a lot of jelly beans)
  • My aunt’s stuffing
  • Getting all my bills paid for the month (a bag of jelly beans, for sure)
  • Making someone’s day
  • Talking to my best friend on the phone

I’d list the licorice ones, but I’ve thrown them out already 🙂

What’s in your jelly belly box? Share your beans in the comments section!

Ranting About Marriage Because the Internet Made Me.


I’m from the first generation to grow up with computers in the classroom and in (at the time) most homes in America. Where, at grammar school age, we were introduced to the information mecca known as “the internet”. People were going crazy for it with their dial-up modems and the iconic “You’ve Got Mail!” announcement from that AOL guy we went on to make fun of. And it was great. The answer to every question we had was right at the end of out fingers, communication was a breeze and for a moment we were smarter, more capable, informed. Then, as with all things, it seems, we used it to remove ourselves from reality, as an excuse to do things we shouldn’t, and as a way to spread hate.

With this influx of information, the ability to publish your opinion, and open, anonymous communication came support groups and web forums dedicated to various topics. I feel like this is sort of where we went wrong. Before the internet, if you have a problem with someone or something, you talked to your friends, parents, or family about it. Now, if you didn’t like someone or something, you posted it to the internet where millions of people viewed it and supported you. What the internet didn’t tell you is, while you had 45 people tell you that your husband’s attitude and the way he treated you is simply inexcusable, 1000 more viewed it and laughed at you.

Today, we are hooked right into the internet, it’s on our phones, laptops. work computers, home computers, and e-readers. We constantly look to our internet world for advice and approval. So when our hubbies don’t take the garbage out, put the seat down, refuse to change a poopy diaper, or take 5 seconds too long to answer a text message  we head right for the internet to both tattle and try to decode the action like it’s some sort of well-thought plot to destroy the sanctity of your marriage. Here’s the deal: YOU are destroying the sanctity of your marriage, not your garbage hoarding husband.

Every day, I read these articles published by maniacs with various enticing titles like “5 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Cheating on You” or “How to Get Past Your Husband’s Lock Code”. SINCE WHEN did women become these suspicious, problem seekers in failing marriages?! As much as I hate to admit it, I think that we are our own undoing here. While it’s true that men use the internet to look at porn or head over to iwannabeasugardaddy.com and stuff like that, WOMEN, YOU DO IT TOO. And what’s worse about women, is that the blast their husbands on the internet to social networking sites and web forums, publicly. And there’s the leader of the local Man-Haters club sitting on the other side of the internet telling you “enough’s enough! Leave that guy, he’s no good.” or “He’s probably cheating on you.”, and there you have it: your marriage is in trouble.

I’m by no means a feminist, nor do I believe women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. But I’m sort of tired of reading these articles about how women are being beaten down by men all the time. While it’s true that women still face adversity in the professional world, I don’t think your husband is to blame for that. There are tons of articles telling wives to rise up against their husbands and demand fairness, and they should. What they should NOT do, it immaculate their husbands so that they come out on top, merely for the pleasure of doing so. And this is where the internet REALLY plays a big part to me. Websites all over and posting articles with advice telling you that you are so much better than your husband because you are a strong, focused, woman when what they should be telling you is that you are just as good as your husband.

My husband doesn’t live on the internet like I do, so I don’t know for sure, but I’m sure men do it too, just not as often. I’m not about to get into how the porn industry is wrecking homes or any of that crap, because if it is, chances are there is a deeper seeded issue, like communication, that is wrecking your home. But I do know that there are two sides to every story.c

What I’m getting at, I guess, is that I’m just effing tired of the internet hating husbands and trying to get me to hate mine. No, I’m NOT interested in trash-talking my husband to the whole world so that the internet can tell me what a jerk he is, how I’m so much better than him, and that I should just leave the sorry lump. He’s not, I’m not, and no thanks, back off.