2013 in review because bragging.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,000 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.



There are several things that go through the average mother’s mind when she hears her child scream. Usually. Unless you’re me.
When I hear one my girls shrieking from the other room, my brain goes into ‘priority mode’. It actually amazes me how quickly my brain can analyze the type of scream. Then, of course, based off of the analysis, I determine the priority level, then decide if I’m even really going to do anything about it. It’s kind of like when moms know the specific cries of their newborns.

The single scream: priority level 5 : from Haley: Harper is existing near her, from Harper: something inanimate isn’t moving out of the way or Haley is existing hear her, in general: someone’s not sharing something.
Action: fight to the death.

Harper’s extended scream of doom: priority level 3: Harper has something she probably shouldn’t and Haley is looking at her.
Action: yell for them to stop since that scream will not end itself.

Haley’s extended scream of doom: priority level 4 (if followed by crying, priority level 2): this one is a gamble. The scream alone probably means Harper is standing, sitting, or jumping on Haley and it’s annoying her. If followed by a cry, she’s probably actually hurt.
Action: yelling ‘knock it off’ should do the trick, unless there is crying.. crying means I need to investigate.

Screaming in unison: priority level 5: they’re fighting over something.
Action: nah.

THAT scream: priority level 1: you know what I’m talking about. That one scream that means bad is happening. Someone’s hurt. Hurt or stuck. If it’s Harper, I will probably end up either laughing or crying. If it’s Haley, bad is happening. OR her sister took one of her coveted stuffed animals/her blanket because that shit is no joke. Or she’s hurt.
Action: time to go in and laugh, cry, or lay down the law.

There is a lot of wiggle room. Judgments are passed, decisions made, actions executed, but at the end of the day, these general guidelines seem to be pretty accurate. Again, when amazes me is the fact that my brain cycles through all of this each tome one of those little monkeys screams… no wonder I’m so freaking tired at the end of the day!


Dear Children,

Dear children,

If you cold read, I probably wouldn’t post this….

I have here, a list of things I would LOVE to tell you two little… darlings, but won’t because it will either break your baby hearts OR I simply can’t find a way to say it without cursing at you… Mommy loves you.

1. I DON’T WANT TO KISS YOU WHILE I’M ON THE TOILET. This is pretty self explanatory. Mommy’s “potty time” is already compromised by the fact that I can’t go to the bathroom in peace. Please do not open the door, come up to me, try to kiss me, then scream at me when I don’t want to kiss and poop at the same time (yes, mommies poop, too.)

2. YOU KNOW WHAT’S NOT CUTE? WAKING MY UP BY WHINING. Sorry, babies. I love you and all and there’s nothing that I would (theoretically) love more than to wake up to your cute little faces in the morning. But that horrid screech-whine hybrid noise that comes from your face-hole at whatever-o-clock in the morning just kills it for me. Be silent until I’ve had my coffee.

3. I JUST DON’T WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU. MINE, MINE, MINE. Go away when I’m eating, on the computer, drinking from my water bottle, or sneaking a snack. It’s bad enough that I guilt myself for stealing chocolate covered pretzels in general… don’t draw attention to it! My snack. And lunch? No, kids, I fed you already… Hit the road.

4. SURE IT WAS CUTE THE FIRST TIME, IT’S JUST ANNOYING NOW. Okay, it was kind of cute when you spun yourselves dizzy, flipped over the couch, and hung upside down in a weird-ass head stand thing, but let it go. I just can’t fake interest that long.

5. IT’S TRUE. I REALLY CAN’T WAIT TO DROP YOU OFF SOMEWHERE AND DO NOTHING…. WITHOUT YOU. I mean I love you.. so, so, so much and I always will. But holy Christ, you guys are just too much sometimes. I’ll say it, sometimes I just want to drop you off somewhere and sit in the house and do nothing.

If these little confessions (and trust me, there are the little ones, you KNOW there are others) make me a mean or bad mommy, then so be it… but I’m sure I’m not the only one. I love you little turds, but sometimes you make me want to hide in a corner for days at a time (that’s not weird).


A Little Somethin’ Somethin for my Mommas and Betics and A Sneak Peek!

Tonight, my best friend is flying in from California with her kiddies to see me for a little less than 2 weeks. I am beyond excited and will most likely be busy visiting (since I’ve seen her once in the past almost 3 years!) I figured, rather than leave you with nothing, I would leave you with a little somethin’ somethin’ to remember me while I’m on blog-vaca.

For my diabetic readers:

(please keep in mind that if you can’t laugh at yourself, then what CAN you laugh at? I don’t find diabetes to be a joke… no need to get all righteous here, but I can laugh at my disease, can you?)







This is my 99th post! If you can math, then you will know that my following post will be the big 1-0-0! Pretty exciting stuff. I want to do something fun for it (like a GIVEAWAY!) I have a little while to think about it but some input would be nice too. IF you have any suggestions, leave them in the comment box below and maybe we’ll go for it!

Remember to stay tuned and check back to see what’s going on for my 100th blog-aversary!

10 Ways Living With a Toddler is Like Being in Prison


As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young. With that in mind, many aspects of the parenting experience could be compared with prison – complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex. ;)

10 Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  • You can’t do anything without constant supervision
  • Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
  • You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
  • Meal time is fraught with tension
  • Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
  • You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
  • Contraband — like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment — must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
  • Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted


BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

  • Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

(source: huffpostparentsDad and Buried)


My New Diet Plan!

Yesterday was a morning like every other one: Harper woke me up by screaming at the top of her lungs (not crying, just screaming for fun), Haley let herself into the room to wake me up some more (in case the screaming didn’t work, I guess), hubs was at work, and I begrudgingly stomped out of bed, grabbed the baby, changed a diaper and headed straight to the kitchen for feeding time at the zoo. Bleary-eyed, I grabbed two cups, filled them each half way with water, grabbed two breakfast bars, and headed to the fridge for 2 kids yogurts, the juice, and some greek yogurt for myself (I have no idea how I manage to remember all these things while so sleepy…). That’s when my new diet plan hit me in the face like ton of bricks.  I opened the fridge and there it was: A freaking spider. Just chillin’ there. Dangling from a strand of evil, guarding the contents of my fridge with his man-eating fang-face. NOPE.

Now, am I exaggerating? Eh. Maybe a little? Hell no. That was a messed up thing to do to me first thing in the morning, spider.

What did I do? 

Shut that door and walked the hell away. The kids got a juice box from under the kitchen cart, I ate nothing for breakfast, and the kids got 2 breakfast bars a piece. Do I feel badly about that? Not. One. Bit. Nope. It was way too early for that crap.

So, of course I tell hubs all about this horrible thing that happened to me and he laughed, telling me that he was going to put spiders in the fridge all the time as my diet plan! Dammit. He was right! That bug-eyed bastard kept me out of the fridge all day! I did have to check all over and reach in for the coffee creamer (thank God it was right in the front!) because well, let’s face it, a day without coffee is hardly a day at all.

So folks, that does it. Want to curb your eating? Just pop a spider in the fridge. If you’re anything like me, you’ll never open that thing again!